no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
