grandma shit on top of the toilet
I could make wine with my vomit
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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