cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
