Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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