she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
