i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
How does one acquire holy water?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
