New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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