Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
