I must be too annoying 4 u.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
