What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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