those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
