In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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