And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize