I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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