Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm like, not good at living.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
