Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
