I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
