My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
