woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
