my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
