i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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