also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
