Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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