yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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