I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize