The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
