Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
