Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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