I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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