Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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