put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
