Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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