Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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