We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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