bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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