I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
