Whatcha textin bout Willis?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
