a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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