If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
