Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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