Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
