I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What a dumb baby whore.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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