Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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