MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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