just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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