Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I enjoy the company of your penis
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
