I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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