He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
