My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You took a bar mat shot.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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