Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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