ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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