I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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