you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I think my vagina is haunted
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he laminated a picture of his dick.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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