I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
