Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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