Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
