just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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