Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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