The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
