Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
