The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
