ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
