Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
