People in love make me want to vomit
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize