saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
